Escapades of a PSU Executive - Those magnificent man in their starched uniforms.

Escapades of a PSU Executive – VIII (Venom index 2/10)

This is an imaginary series of the experiences of an idiotic PSU executive, working in a ‘Global fortune 500’ company. Please note that any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

Those magnificent men in their starched uniforms.

The Idiot loves his Teliya Oil job because it has given him an exposure into a wholly different world. One of his most enlivening experiences has been interaction with the Indian Air Force, The Indian Army, Border Security Force, Border Roads Organization, CRPF etc. His work profiles in the Aviation Fuel group and Institution Business group ensured that he had a great interaction with these smart men in their starched uniforms.

This piece is dedicated to the magnificent men serving in defense services of this country.

One day, the station commander of 42 Wing AF gave an appointment to the Idiot at 08.00 AM. The meeting would happen right in the morning when the station HQ opened. On the night previous to the date of appointment, there was a freak storm that caused a lot of damage to the area. Trees were uprooted and power supply was disrupted. Nobody knew when the power supply will be restored.

No power meant no-water and he woke up to find his wife grumbling about the situation. He brought in six buckets of water from the hand-operated tube-well in front of his house and after taking a bath (Using only one bucket of water) and having a light breakfast went to the station HQ. He decided to be on time although he was sure the station HQ will start a little late on that day.

The air force station was similarly affected by the storm with power-disruption and uprooted trees. The Idiot was amazed to see that the HQ opened dot at 08.00 AM. Every officer reported for duty wearing their starched uniforms. Many of them finding uprooted trees blocking their routes parked their vehicles by the side of the road and walked down to their office on time. They anticipated the disruptions on the road and started early.

The Idiot complimented one officer for arriving on time. The officer smiled and told the Idiot – we are trained to report for duty on time, even if there is a bombing during the night time. On that day, the Idiot observed that every officer of the Airforce was properly dressed and in polished shoes.

The Aviation group of Teliya Oil also maintained uniformed service. The Idiot donned the uniform of the Aviation Officer of Teliya Oil with a lot of pride and dignity for ten years.

From his friends in the Airforce, he learned many things about maintaining a proper uniform. He always kept a spare shirt and a small packet of shoe polish in his office. With time when his job required him to keep long working hours – he also kept a shaving kit and some toiletries in the office.

The principle is – come what may – an officer will have to maintain his uniform because a uniform signifies the dignity of an individual.

The Idiot was a mess member in the Chabua Airforce Base. It was a uniquely rich learning experience of his life. Chabua in those days was in the back of beyond and the Airforce Mess was the only place where he can get a decent meal.

Additionally, he maintained a small room in the pilot’s barracks of the Airforce. It was a single room with one toilet. This room was necessary because during night flying he had to stay late in the office and it was not safe to come out of the station in the night time.

Initially, he had some adjustment problem in using the facilities in the Airforce Mess but with time he learned the system with some polite guidance from the other Airforce officers. Later on, he started enjoying and also admiring the discipline enforced on the officers.

The basic principle is that lunch or dinner is a parade. One has to come properly dressed and eat properly. The Idiot’s school education has already taught him proper table manners – he just needed to polish them a bit. The Idiot remained grateful to his parents for giving him a good education.

When one walks into the Airforce Mess, he has to wish and introduce himself to any senior officer who might be there. The chair at the head of the long table is always reserved for the station head (Although he rarely comes to have food there). When sitting on an empty or vacant chair he has to say “Excuse me” to the person sitting on the right or left. They normally welcome him with a smile.

A loud voice and boisterous discussion is a strict no-no. As food is served by the orderlies – he has to indicate by positioning his spoons in a certain manner whether he wants some more or no more.

However, the situation in the station bar is slightly different. One may laugh and sing and shout there after his three/four pegs. However, dignity and decorum have to be maintained at all costs.

Dignity and decorum of an officer are of prime importance and is hammered into the consciousness of the officers during their training. Once a Wing Commander explained to the Idiot – “You have a lot of powers over your juniors; still, you do not control them with the fear of punishment. You control your men with your image. As such, an officer is expected to maintain his image at all times.”

The defense services have a wonderful abbreviation for it – they call it OLQ – which mean - Officer-Like-Quality.

Although there is a lot of discipline and decorum and image consciousness and what-not – but there are also occasions of informal fun and gaiety. One such occasion is the Husband’s night organized by the ladies of the station.

In the party – ladies arrange for some games and sports – which are really fun, to say the least. Only the men are participants in the games. Participation is mandatory. Even if you are the shy type, still you have to participate.

One game is - Who can put a thread through the eye of a needle in the least possible time? Another game is – Saree wearing competition. Imagine, how it will look if a senior Brigadier or a Group Captain is made to wear a Saree in full public view in front of all their juniors. However, the men participate with gusto and it is good clean fun and laughter.

Another competition is, you will be given an item and you have to speak extempore about the item. The items given are mostly funny like - a broomstick, a bucket, the roller to make Rotis, etc.

Once a very shy Flight Lieutenant picked up an item and it was a sanitary napkin. Initially, he started blushing with red ears. All the ladies laughed loudly and shouted, “He looks cute when blushing”. He was unable to speak for some time.

However, he picked up after a few seconds and told a story about how he once over-indulged on the food cooked by his wife and was having an upset stomach. He was on the verge of taking a day off, but his wife told him to report for duty wearing a sanitary napkin and he did, without much ado.

Although the story was taken with peals of laughter – most Air-force pilots are always cautious about their toilet habits. A pilot flying an aircraft has to have full concentration and he just cannot park his vehicle and go for a toilet break. The Idiot does not know if it is true but he heard stories about pilots flying with adult diapers when the situation demands.

All pilots have to undergo a mandatory dental check-up and even if one tooth is found slightly problematic it is removed. The basic worry is a pilot while flying may suffer from a toothache and lose concentration.

Parties are elaborate affairs. Along with the invitation – the dress code is also mentioned. There are 19 dress codes. One day the Idiot asked a uniformed officer – “How do you maintain the dress code for various parties”? The officer replied – “We beg, borrow or steal”. He said it with a twinkle in his eye.

In all parties, someone will welcome you at the gate and escort you inside and introduce you to the senior most member of the Air-force or Army on whose behalf the party has been thrown. After that, you are on your own. Men are not expected to sit at parties. So when the party stretches too long your legs ache. You can go outside for a smoke and sit there to take care of your aching legs.

The second principle is your left hand should not be empty and you should continuously hold a glass of liquor. Some people finish fifteen pegs in one single party and some only one peg or two pegs, but holding the glass is mandatory.

Parties are of two kinds – stag parties – when only men are invited and mixed parties when ladies are also invited.

Sometimes parties get very boisterous. Men and women keep dancing all around you and the lights are dimmed. During such “dimmed light” period the Idiot takes cover behind the potted plants in the party hall. However, no unsavory incident ever occurred during mixed parties.

In stag parties, the most interesting part is towards the end. All young officers sing – He is a jolly good fellow, and picking up the senior-most officer they throw him into the air face upwards and catch hold of him when he falls back.

Once, the Idiot asked Wing Cdr Harbhajan Singh who was an old friend – “Are you not afraid that they might miss catching you back on your return fall? You might even get a broken neck and become a cripple for life.” Wing Cdr Harbhajan Singh replied, “Mr. Idiot, we have complete trust in our brother officers and we show it by allowing them to do that”.

In the next episode, the Idiot will write about one of the most poignant and heart-wrenching episodes that he witnessed in an Air-force station.

However, before ending this piece the Idiot wants to spew a little venom in this story. The incident happened somewhat like this.

Inside Chabua Airforce Station there was a small cinema hall where various major commercial cinemas were shown. The film’s name was Agnishakshi. His wife was pestering him to view that film. Tickets were not available during off-days and holidays (It was a small hall). So he made an elaborate plan to view the film during office hours.

The cinema hall was at a distance of 5 minutes from his office. So after purchasing two tickets for the 2.00-5.00 show, he informed his staff that he will be available in the cinema hall in the officer’s enclosure and they should contact him in case of an emergency. The staff members of Chabua AFS were extremely reliable so after putting his station in Auto-Pilot mode he went to enjoy the film. After the film ended he came back to the office and went home after properly closing the office and finishing his day’s work. His wife was very happy.

However, Tarak Nath Guha, the mini-Boss of the Idiot who sat in Kolkata somehow came to know about the incident. He rang the Idiot on his office phone the next day. The conversation proceeded somewhat like this:

Tarak Nath: “Idiot”?
Idiot: “Sir, Good Morning Sir”
Tarak Nath: “Good Morning, my foot. Are you trying to be too smart before us? Yesterday, you left the station in limbo and enjoyed a matinee show with your wife. Do you think we do not have our own source of communication? I have informed Mr. Chatterjee and he is very annoyed and you will realize when we take action at the proper time”.

It was apparent that Tarak Nath was threatening to give the Idiot a bad APA (Annual Performance Appraisal – which is the precursor of the current EPMS). The Idiot lost his temper and replied, “Sir, what is your or Mr. Chatterjee’s problem. I went to see the film with MY wife, not with YOUR wife or HIS wife”.

Hearing the Idiot’s reply Tarak Nath abruptly put the phone down. However, the Idiot’s APA was spoilt and he got his promotion from grade B to grade C in five years against the norm of four years.

However, it was no issue because of his wife’s happiness and the film’s storyline were both worth it.

Today, when the Idiot thinks about that incident he finds it wholly funny. Tarak Nath was a brash and arrogant man who had illusions of grandeur when dealing with his juniors. It takes an impudent fellow like the Idiot to put him in his place.

Additionally, the Idiot is a blundering fool. He made a mistake by telling his staff that he is going to enjoy the film with his wife. He should have told them that he would be attending an important meeting with the Station Commander. Actually, Tarak Nath rang his office number when he was enjoying the film and the office boy innocently told him the truth.

Teliya Oil – I love you along with life for you are my life.